I had heroes in high school, people I looked up to. And then in my mind, they got killed by life. I feel like their career, how things turned out, etc. didn’t match. I didn’t look at their lives and would personally think to imitate that or want that. it’s just a feeling, but most things are driven by feelings.
I met lots of people in college. but nobody that I really looked up to or admired. maybe small pieces of someone’s personality.
but then I went online, saw people on twitter, read books from ancient authors, and suddenly I have a lot more hope for the future and myself. and maybe I should keep going so that I can inspire other people some day, idk. I don’t know why I didn’t find these people earlier. Maybe I wasn’t good enough to know what to look for? (note to self: do essay of people at different ‘levels’ of life)
but it’s possible I’ll surpass these people one day, and then their lives won’t look so appetizing, and then I’ll be all alone again. maybe the right answer is knowing when to stop and knowing what’s most appropriate for you. maybe there’s a certain type of person in life whose destiny is to learn from those better and teach those who are younger. very rarely will they find themselves among peers.
but I think as you get old, you can see everyone more closely. everyone has a limited life, one story, and only so many experiences. and you get this dawning sense and realization, “shit, this is it?” this is all we get to have? up close, everyone looks human. everyone looks weak. the strong will get old. those who put on a front of false confidence are all the same.
I don’t have a good answer to everyone being weak. at least we can be honest about it. maybe that’s being human.